she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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