when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
