i just snorted my name. best moment ever
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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