Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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