From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
