At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
