You smell like stripper and shame
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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