there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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