If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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