Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
