I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
