she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Someone signed my nipple.
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