Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize