I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
