OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
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