Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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