Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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