there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You pole danced in your parka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize