Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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