I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
