Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
