Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
