she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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