that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I said "one day" and that day is not today
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
