saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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