I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
