There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
