I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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