Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize