Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
