Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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