Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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