i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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