She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
