I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
