a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
