my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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