Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
