idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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