I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
