I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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