I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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