I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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