Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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