he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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