dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
