After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
