did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Houston, we have a blender
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
