On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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