You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
