So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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