I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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