Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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