We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
