I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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