dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
