this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize