Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
