If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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