remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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