so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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