She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
