Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
These tits shall not be calmed
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
